JULIE FROMM / ASST. OPINION EDITOR

Getting through college without encountering a conflict between one friend or another is, unfortunately, an impossible task. For most people, college is their first experience living with people who are not in their immediate family, and there are necessary compromises that have to be made in order to live comfortably with friends or roommates and maintain friendships. 

Though the school may try to match random roommates together as best as they can based on different categories such as their night-time routine or when they wake up in the morning, there is no way to fully prevent conflicts from coming up. A roommate will inevitably leave their dirty dishes in the sink for days on end instead of loading them in the dishwasher; your friend might wear your favorite sweater to class without asking first, or talk about you behind your back. 

It might seem easier to avoid conflict as much as possible and let things go, even when something really bothers you, but the better course of action is to address the conflicts head on. The only way for a friendship to be long lasting is to work through the conflicts and, sometimes, fight it out – verbally, of course. 

Before college, I never faced many conflicts with friends, but for some reason I always imagined that I would handle a fight with a friend flawlessly. I know myself well, and I know what bothers me and what doesn’t. I figured that once I got to college, I wouldn’t have a problem setting boundaries with a friend or roommate when they crossed my hypothetical lines. Over time, though, I realized that I hadn’t had many conflicts prior to college because addressing issues with friends felt impossible. Trying to balance what I needed from my friendships while simultaneously trying not to offend anyone was incredibly tricky and uncomfortable, and unfortunately for me, it still is. 

My random roommate experience as a first-year was a positive experience overall. However, there were small things that my roommate would do that bothered me, like not maintaining a clean space or talking on the phone late into the night while I was trying to sleep. It would often feel easier to simply accept the things that bothered me instead of pointing them out. But, things quickly began to pile up, and I found that I was beginning to resent her for her actions — even though she was unaware of the effects that they had on me. Instead of being honest right away, I let things get worse. When the year ended, we parted on good terms, but I never acknowledged any of the things that she did that bothered me. 

Looking back on the experience now, I wish that I would have had the courage to accept the awkwardness of a potential conversation instead of continuing to brush things under the rug. If I had been more honest right away, our experience living together probably would have been much more fun for both of us, and I wouldn’t have had to carry my feelings of anger and resentment. 

I thought that having an awkward conversation with a roommate would be difficult, but the idea of addressing issues with close friends felt much more daunting. It’s difficult for me to express myself when things bother me with friends because I don’t want to upset them or cause any rifts in  our relationship. There have been times when conflict is completely unavoidable, though, and I have luckily found that when I have open and honest conversations with my friends about things that upset me, they almost always end well. 

I recently had a talk with a friend who I had had a miscommunication with that resulted in my feelings being hurt. Bringing this up made me so nervous that I avoided it for days, but finally realized that I wouldn’t feel better until I told her how I felt. She listened to what I had to say, and instead of being angry with me like I’d feared, she was understanding and apologetic for what had happened. By expressing how I really feel and working together to find solutions to conflicts, my friends and I have built stronger relationships rooted in honesty and mutual respect. 

Even though I can recognize now that addressing conflict head on is the best route to take in order to maintain positive relationships, it can still feel like an overwhelming task. I constantly have to fight my desire to push things aside and force myself to speak up when I feel upset, otherwise I will end up building resentment towards the people that I really care about. More than that though, addressing conflicts head on is necessary for self respect. Instead of ignoring the things that don’t sit right with me, I know that I owe it to myself to advocate for what 

I   deserve  from  my  friendships. Conflict is unavoidable and almost always awkward, but building up resentment and frustration instead of having an uncomfortable conversation is much worse. I have found that the best relationships in my life have been with people who I know will be there for me even when problems arise, and we can work  together to  solve them. 

The views expressed in the editorial and op-ed sections are not necessarily those of  The USD Vista staff, the University of San Diego or its student body.

Confronting issues with friends doesn’t have to be scary. Photo courtesy of Ninthgrid/Unsplash