SOPHIE HUMMEL / CONTRIBUTOR

Phrases such as “protect your peace,” or “you don’t owe anyone anything,” have become increasingly common among young people. Versions of the phrase “put yourself first” are typically heard in therapy and in other mental health contexts. It is  repeated  by  professionals who aim to encourage those who have difficulty with boundary setting to care for themselves the way they do for others. Individuals who consistently neglect their own well-being to care for others are engaging in harmful behavior — that is not hard to argue. 

However, it is actually okay to put others before yourself. In many cases, it is even important. What may be more harmful is relying on these idioms out of context to justify withdrawing  from  social   situations  or  harming others. In some cases, people will avoid uncomfortable situations  under the pretense that they are putting themselves first. Self-care and work-life balance are important values to prioritize, but only to a certain extent. Protecting your peace shouldn’t come at the expense of others.

Failing to respond in a timely manner to a call or text from a distraught significant other or skipping out on a friend’s birthday celebration because you aren’t in the mood isn’t putting yourself first. It is being selfish. You don’t need to drop everything for everyone, but avoiding  a  difficult or inconvenient situation isn’t always “taking care of yourself.”

The truth is, maintaining strong friendships or relationships requires us to be  inconvenienced at  times. Whether it means staying up later than you’d like to pick up a friend from the airport or having a difficult conversation with a roommate rather than avoiding them, you might find  that showing up for others actually increases your sense of agency and happiness. Research from the National Institute of Health (NIH) emphasizes that. 

“Successful social interactions comprise some of the most potent rewarding stimuli for human beings,” the research states. I’ve  found that showing up for others in my relationships, despite my own personal responsibilities, actually eases some of my own stressors.” 

Whether a roommate, acquaintance, close friend or significant other, we have a responsibility to treat each other with respect and compassion. When others don’t realize their attempts to put themselves first are harmful, we should explain the values they may not have been taught earlier in their life. 

We certainly do not owe one another much, other than to do our best to show up for each other. To have a village, you also have to  be a villager. In a digital age where Postmates delivers a hot meal when you’re sick rather than a neighbor, or Uber is your ride when your car breaks down on the highway rather than your friend, it’s important that, as a generation, we still find time to put others first.

Making time for others can help keep important relationships strong. Photo courtesy of Briana Touzour/Unsplash