MAE O’MALLEY / CONTRIBUTOR

Unrequited love is a concept familiar  to  most,  yet  every  time  it  seems  like I  am  the  only  person  to ever encounter such a thing. Something unrequited, of love or affection, is not reciprocated or returned, according to Webster’s Dictionary. A defining, heartbreaking — dare I say earth-shattering — human experience. I don’t think it will ever get easier to realize your affection is one-sided. 

A handwritten note rests in shallow water. Photo courtesy of Jovan Vasiljević/Unsplash

This topic has plagued me, especially since the Academy Awards in March. Ethan Hawke, the five-time Oscar nominated actor, went viral shortly after the awards ceremony because of his response to an interviewer asking him to share his input on dealing with themes of unrequited love. The actor’s upcoming movie “Blue Moon” discusses themes of longing and one-sided love.

“The  one  who’s  in  love  always wins,” he said. “It doesn’t matter if you get your heart broken when you’re living, when you’re feeling you are alive. You know, the sun doesn’t care whether the grass appreciates its rays, it just keeps on shining. That’s you.” 

This struck a chord with me; he was right. The secret to overcoming unrequited love is not to overcome it — just let yourself be. We were put on this Earth as humans to learn, work and do taxes, but most importantly, to feel. We are lucky to feel; we are lucky to love. In fact, is there anything more human? When I laugh with the people I love, I feel a spark from the universe light me up from within. Nothing beats feeling giddy from a text or walking away from a conversation with butterflies in your stomach. And it’s not a made up feeling, either. 

Harvard Medical School Associate Professors Richard Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds wrote about the evolution of love in a Spring 2015 study. Olds studied the fact that primitive areas of the brain such as the ventral tegmental area, commonly referred to as the brain’s reward system, light up when talking about loved ones, and stay lit up. Scott Edwards followed up on the research. 

“When we are falling in love, chemicals associated with the reward circuit flood our brain, producing a variety of physical and emotional responses — racing hearts, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, feelings of passion and anxiety,” Edwards wrote.  

Connecting with other people is innately in our brain chemistry and is often exacerbated because of the rush from feel-good hormones, like dopamine. So, falling in love literally makes us feel good. 

We should never live a life where we don’t endure our emotions. We are lucky to do so. We get to choose to love and we get to choose who we love. We are meant to feel and to  feel  deeply.  It  makes  sense why  unrequited love  might  feel so heartbreaking, but nevertheless we do ourselves a favor when we hand over our emotions and let people in. 

I don’t disagree with the fact that not having your feelings reciprocated can feel like the world is ending. I find myself thinking that if I just shut down and act nonchalant, they will come back. Or, if I never open up to anyone again, I’ll never be hurt again. It’s true, not feeling anything makes things easy. Walking away from something you never cared about anyway is easy. But life was never meant to be easy. 

There is always a chance that opening up to someone will end in disappointment, or worse, heartbreak. I think some people  find  that  the  answer  is  to  prevent  that  connection from forming in the first place. Other people jump in head first and choose to take the risk. I’d rather be  a  part  of  the  latter.  Being  open to the risk means being open to the experience that comes with it and ultimately, memories are all we have. What does  the  closed-off  person walk away with? Nothing. They are void of feelings and void of perspective. Taking  the  leap  may  result in a deeper heartbreak, but a broken heart just means it was beating in the first place. The person in love always wins. 

My sister went through something like this herself recently, which I think is why Hawke’s quote felt so poignant and timely. She put herself out there, was led on and felt confused every other day. After six months, he finally told her he wasn’t at a place in his life for a relationship. They are a week from graduating from law school, and he wants to focus on his career. 

She  told  me  she  doesn’t regret a thing — not even the months of anxiety and second-guessing herself. As she leaves school, never to return again, she’s glad she did everything she could to see if there was something between her and this guy. Now she knows the answer and  will  never  wonder   for   the   rest   of   her  life  if  there  could  have been something between them.

Besides the fact that we are never really without love, sometimes there is a hard truth to be faced. Realize that your person, your “soulmate,”— even your  deepest  goals and dreams — would never second-guess loving you back. Focus on the people  in  your  life   that   do   love  you,   your  ambitions and hobbies, and do so unconditionally. In times of grief and hardship, we don’t think about the people that didn’t love us, we remember the people that we loved. So, love as many people as you can. If they don’t love you back, that is one person they are missing in their own lives, not yours.

But unrequited love is not permanent.  Our  capacity  for love follows us everyday. I feel joy for strangers crossing the finish line at marathons. I feel a connection when the crowds at Pacific Beach stand still to watch the sunset. There is  love  in  a  red-eye   flight  taking  me  home  to JFK.  Where  there  is  kindness and human decency, there is love. 

It can be easy to shut down, especially when it comes to love, trying to avoid putting yourself through unnecessary agony. What is the point if it doesn’t work out? But, how do you know that it won’t? 

The figure reaches for someone not really there, showing the confusion of unrequited love. Art by Kyra Lefebvre