Once upon a time, there was a young girl with divorced or deceased parents and a wickedly evil stepmother. The stepmom was cruel, bossy and cold to the young girl. This new woman stepped in and ruined what once was so perfect.
The tale is as old as time: a child with an evil stepparent that abuses them. “Cinderella,” “Hansel and Gretel” and “Snow White” are just some of the fairytales that portray this problematic archetype.
When I was a child, I remember many of my friends being confused by my blended family. Not understanding fully why I had “dad’s weekends” and “mom’s weekends.” I remember people looking at me with a raised eyebrow when I would tell them the man who was at my choir recitals and picking me up from school was my stepdad. Although my stepdad is a kind, loving father figure, many people around me made me feel ashamed that I had a blended family. Especially because my mom was a single, divorced mom for a portion of my early childhood.
Unknowingly, by watching media which propagates falsehoods about stepparents, the fairytale logic follows deep into our society’s values. There are misogynistic undertones to these characters, as they are usually stepmothers. This has real life consequences for women.
A study done by a dating app called “Even” interviewed around 800 women, who were single moms, reporting that almost half of them are fearful to date because of the “wicked stepmom” label. A whopping 77% said the fear was planted in them from a young age by shows and films. Although this is a snapshot of this phenomenon, it echoes these thoughts that many stepmothers describe.
This expectation of motherhood is that you have your own children that you devote your life to. If a woman finds herself in a partnership with stepchildren, the societal understanding is that you will never fulfill the child’s needs like the biological mother could. In reality, many of these women do not hope to be in competition with another mom, but rather want to support the child in any way they can.
The logic here is that biological parents are supposed to be the caretakers of the family. The natural order is that the biological parents are the source of love for their children. If a stepparent comes in, they are an unnatural substitute.
Two heteronormative parents with two children, stepparents reflect a truth about our society that many fairytale stories do not want to tell.
Stories like “Snow White,” reflect the idea that stepmothers are ugly decrepit beings who will hurt your children. As young children, we read these stories and internalize them. Although it is not intentional on the child’s end, the story has real-life consequences on the way people view stepparents. These portrayals make it seem almost elite and superior to have a traditional family. There is a sort of sadness that comes when someone explains they have a stepparent or their parents are divorced. Many people do this unconsciously; they feel pity for the child of divorce.
Fairytales were written in a world where a parent’s remarriage was a source of fear. In the context of the 19th century, life expectancy was much lower and when mothers died during childbirth, a father would remarry to have someone take care of his children. Some of these old tales were told as a way to discuss maternal rage and taboo feelings before it was normalized. Now these stories have generational effects on women in maternal roles.
Of course, there are good representations of stepparents in the media that can have positive influences on the way people view blended families. Jay from “Modern Family” is a good example of a father who stepped up with his stepson Manny. In “Juno,” Juno’s stepmom is another fantastic example of someone coming in and supporting their spouse’s children. Sometimes, divorce can lead someone to find the person they were meant to be with. The vast majority of stepparents in real life are not disgustingly abusive. They are usually people who choose to enter a person and their child’s life, knowing that the relationship with the child takes time to cultivate. The wicked stepmother is a twisted portrait of real stepparents. These stories were handed down to children who grew up repeating them, continuing the cycle of misunderstanding.
The next time someone says they have a stepmother, instead of pitying them, think about how she is probably the mom who stepped up.
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